Thursday, December 8, 2011

Finding my balance...

I assume finding my balance includes me learning how to handle life on life's terms. That finding my balance is something I am going to have to do on my own. An exciting and terrifying thought. I have spent my life feeling that I have always been a half of something whole. Yet never complete. Why have I always thought that I needed another person in my life to complete me? To create that balance that I have yearned for for so long. So another assumption is that no other person will ever help me find my balance. I fully believe that it may take the help of many, but not just one.

Webster's definition of BALANCE:

  • a means of judging or deciding
  • stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis
  • equality between the totals of the two sides of an account 
  • an aesthetically pleasing integration of elements
  • physical equilibrium
  • something left over : syn. remainder
  • mental and emotional steadiness
  • with the fate or outcome about to be determined <our future hangs in the balance as we await his decision>
These are the definitions I choose to examine. There were more, none relating to what I want them to relate to. Me.

So. A means of judging or deciding. I have been observed (not accused) of have poor judgement. I hope that good judgement is something that can be learned, in that case. I'm not sure if I can agree, though. I think my judgement is based on my mental and emotional status. Which is totally unfair, seeing that I am a woman. I adore my logic, but emotions are something I very often lack control of. Maybe that means my judgement is also something I may or may not be able to control. Decisions are something I often prefer not to do. BUT, I don't want someone else making my decisions for me. If this is the kind of balance I'm trying to find, that leaves me fucked. On to the next definition.

Stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis. I'm going to concentrate on the first five words there. Stability is a word I have used in my daily conversation for weeks, months, years now. I want that. I have a great fear that I will never have that. It is not uncommon for me to hold my breath waiting for the next moment of my life to occur, because I have no idea what is about to happen. Even distribution is something I strive for in nearly everything I do. I am a symmetrical person to a fault. Asymmetry fucks me up. I will confidently state that I fully understand what that bit means. And it's intimidating.

Equality between the totals of the two sides of an account. I am going to relate this one quite simply to my check book. Is there enough money coming in to cover the money that is going to, or needs to, go out? Yeah, right. Next.

An aesthetically pleasing integration of elements. Ooh, I love this one. I sooo want to be that. I have to write it again so that I can say it out loud again. An aesthetically pleasing integration of elements. That doesn't sound like a two man job. That sounds like something very earthy, something that will definitely have to come from with in. This one excites me.

Physical equilibrium. If you know me, you know I'm a klutz. I took years of ballet lessons as a girl, I'm very tall, with long legs - you would think I am the epitome of grace.... Yet if there is something to bump into, trip over, break or tear, I usually do. I can live without this kind of balance. Being a hazard is often the least of my worries. Maybe it's in my inner ear.

Something left over : syn. remainder. Ouch.

Those last two are going to have to wait. Or else I'll never sleep. I think they may be heavy.....

Thursday, December 1, 2011

I need a miracle...

I remember the first time I said those words. I was 19 and it was at a Grateful Dead concert somewhere in Ohio or Michigan. I was standing barefoot in the parking lot - dirty, sweaty, surely on drugs, and hoping beyond all hope that someone had a ticket to the show for me. That's what a miracle used to be. I suppose my miracles morphed into the things that people who don't have a God pray for. Things like a new job, a car, a house. To not get pulled over by that cop you just sped by.

So does that mean that I am one of those non-spiritual people? Because I'm finding myself praying for things. Not patience. Not tolerance. Not kindness. I'm praying for a false miracle. So far the only miracles that have happened in my life are my two children and me getting sober. And staying sober.

I suppose I need to refresh myself on my situation. I am a sucker for the 'bad boy'. I have spent my life in one tumultuous relationship after another. One of those relationships granted me those first two miracles. My boys (I'll call my 8 year-old 'Pie' and and my 6 year-old 'Booby') have brought me more pain and pleasure than I thought humanly possible. I would die without them. But, man, did they change everything. I am no longer the 'free spirit' that I used to be. I am a mother. Motherhood = Responsibility. I have no regrets. I like the responsible me much better than the free-spirit me. Regardless, I'm different now. My priorities are my boys. Period. Full-stop. I have learned how to not need so many things for myself. I have learned how to wear hats on bad hair days. I have learned that shaving my legs once a month is OK. I have learned that peeing in private is a thing of the past - at least for the next 12 years. I have learned that the pure love I have for these children has turned me into a creature of  protection. I want to shield them from everything uncomfortable, painful, bad and ugly.

Which very indirectly leads me to my needed miracle......

My life has taken so many twists and turns and I have tried to remain the strongest woman I can be through sheer will-power. Over the past 4 years I have also learned, not through my children, that will-power will get me nowhere. Fast. I can't will my rent to get paid. Nor can I will for a better a life. So, by that third miracle, I have found my higher power. I call it/he/she God. It makes it easy, although I suppose if I were to name my God, it's/his/her name might be something like "Ahhhhhhhhhh?". So I'll go with God. And in order to get the things that my boys and I need, not want, I actually have to work for them. That means no miracles. Just work. Work work work work work.

Being a single-mom in a foreign country, my opportunities are somewhat limited. My first, and biggest limitation, is language. I speak English. And only English. I can't have a 'normal' job like everyone else (people who live in their Mother tongue country). Even if I spoke the language of this country, it would not allow me to help my 2nd grader with his home-work. or have a relationship with a speaker of that language.

Which very indirectly leads me to my needed miracle......